Sebbylite

I’ve never been a fan of New Year’s Resolutions (honestly, how can you improve upon perfection?), and only partly because I don’t feel like change is necessary just for change’s sake. While I agree that it is a good idea to take stock of yourself and how you are living your life, and then making the necessary changes for a better physical/mental/emotional life, why does it only happen once a year? Why wouldn’t it be a regular checkup, just like you do for your car? Every 3 months or 3000 miles, get an oil change and update your goals list to make sure that you remain on track and motivated. That sounds much better to me.

And that is also the reason that I like this site’s idea. Basically, instead of a New Year’s Resolution, you create an honest list of goals that you would like to achieve. And the list spans about 2 3/4 years, so you can add in goals that will take a little time to come to pass. Then every few months, you can update your list and see where you stand.

Probably the biggest issue for me is coming up with 101 goals that I actually want to accomplish. I know that they are out there, but coming up with them all at once is a little beyond me. Plus I feel like if you saddle yourself with a number (hmmm, “saddle yourself”…there’s something else I can add to the list), you’ll end up adding crap goals that are either too easy (wake up for work tomorrow morning), or so ambitious that you won’t be able to accomplish it even in the timespan (become President of the United States). So I’ll start simple, with this partial list:

1. Go back to Mars (Best. Tournament. Ever.)
2. Pay off credit card debt
3. Get new computer/laptop
4. Find a hotel and rent a room by the hour
5. 15 hikes in the Cascades/Olympics (2 done already)
6. Start yoga
7. Start writing letters to Ty again
8. Stay clean shaven for a month or more (started 1/20/08, finished 2/20/08)
9. Frame my duck
10. Go to more drive-in movies
11. Redesign and get my tattoo redone
12. Go see a live play, somewhere nice
13. See an opera
14. Defragment my laptop(did 2-3 times, computer is still slow)
15. Update my “States Visited” list, and try to finish that
16. No caffeine for 2 weeks
17. No alcohol for 2 months
18. Go to either Teatro Zinzani or Cirque de Soleil
19. Learn how to snowboard
20. Get a job I like and can grow with
21. Fix/tune-up/get a new bike, and ride it more
22. 100 push-ups in under 5 minutes
23. 4:30 mile
24. Get more flexible
25. Visit an art gallery during an art opening
26. Do the tourist things in Seattle that I’ve never done
27. Complete 2 of the things from my idea notebook
28. get 8 hours of sleep or more a night for a month
29. See more Sounders games
30. Take a boxing class/lesson
31. Design, develop, and implement a website for myself
32. Learn Javascipt/DHTML/AJAX
33. Learn Coldfusion
34. Deal with my crappy Wells Fargo IRA and retirement accounts
35. Take a dance class
36. Organize my music in iTunes
37. Start and finish 2 woodworking projects
38. Get laptop power supply checked out, then run sysclean
39. Clean out garage, and make it usable

As you can see, I’ve got a pretty good list started already, and I’ve even got a start on a couple of them. As for the rest, well, hopefully I’ll be back to update this list with new info every couple of months. And yes, I’ll take pictures to post of the “dance class” I take, because it’s going to be pretty amusing. I already feel sorry for my instructor.

• Bowling.
• Dancing.
• Flirting.
• Giving your boss his/her yearly evaluation.
• Yelling.
• Drinking.
• Texting.
• Most forms of communication.
• Tipping.
• Cow-tipping.

These aren’t the Top 10 keywords/phrases that will get you from a search engine to Sebbylite, but for whatever reason they do lead you here. And this is a list of my favorites:

1. slap that ho/slap my ho/ho slap smack that bitch
2. people with big thumbs/weak wrists
3. strippers zach harvey
4. when i wake up the dog was licking my balls
5. multiple concussions jockeys
6. damn dirty hippies
7. google is a retard
8. leading cause of death among beavers
9. just isn’t your day unzipping
10. big doug seattle

These are all from the Site Tracking service I use, and they will get you to Sebbylite.com. I’m a little curious about some of them, since I have no idea when, where, or how I talked about “Big Doug” in Seattle.

1. It will just end up on the internet anyway.
2. That damn’d chihuahua.
3. Nicky Hilton is hotter —>
4. She’s friends with Britney Spears.
5. Did I mention that millions will know about it and judge you?
6. She’ll sing for you
7. Or worse, make you watch her tv show
8. Socialite Schmocialite.
9. You can’t fix stupid.
10. Wait, Paris doesn’t have sex anymore

• Hugh Hefner breaks a hip during sex.
• “Transvestite’s on Ice: The Musical”
• Someone makes a Documentary/Mockumentary about Fluffer’s
• The Segway Olympics
• People in Seattle actually learn how to drive.
• Someone thanks a Janitor for washing the bathrooms.

I’ve been a little scattered recently because I’ve been packing up all of my worldly possessions to move closer to work. I’m not too sure how I feel about this, since I like the neighborhood I live in now, I like my apartment, I have the best landlord I’ve ever had, and it’s cheap. But I just can’t deal with the work schedule that it forces on me. I have to get up at 5 in the morning in order to miss out on rush hour traffic in the evening, and it’s killing me.

But, since I haven’t had time to put some real efforts into a post, I thought I’d try to sneak by with a list as a cop-out. If you want more, I could probably finish the Top 10 Reasons Not To Sleep With Paris Hilton that I’ve got going in my head…

I found a link online the other day that told me that I’m a liar. How do I know this? Well, read the following:

How To Tell If Someone Is Lying:

There are nine basic signs that liars exhibit. Not all of these signs may be witnessed, and not all mean that they are lying. They are just guidelines as to the body language that many liars display.

1) A change in the tone and pitch of the person’s voice.
2) An increased or decreased rate of speech.
3) Stumbling over sentences, stopping to think during a sentence, increased use of ‘um’ and ‘uh’.
4) A change in the amount of eye contact. Normal people make eye contact between one-fourth and one-half of the time that they are talking to you. Liars tend to make less eye contact.
5) Turning their shoulders away.
6) Looking very far to the left, right, up or down more than twice.
7) Touching their face or scratching their head.
8) Involuntary moving, jiggling, scratching, or other fidgeting of the legs or feet.
9) Crossing of the arms and/or legs.

According to that post, every time I talk to someone, I lie to them. Because I probably hit about 75% of those symptoms in each conversation that I have.

Meme time, huh!

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18 and find line 4.
“…are generally marked on partnered sites as ‘featured listings,’…” Search Engine Visibility, by Shari Thurow.

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, what do you find?
Entertainment center (TV, DVD player, VCR, stereo receiver, Ipod, homemede speakers).

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Sadly enough, it was the little bit of Panic Room I watched last night before going to sleep.

4. Without looking, guess what time it is.
3:47pm.

5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
3:47pm (damn, I’m even better than I thought)

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
KEXP on the radio.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
Earlier today to play some ultimate frisbee.

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
Various DIY projects that I would love to have the time and skills to complete.

9. What are you wearing?
Pajama pants and a thick sweater.

10. Did you dream last night?
Yep (that’s what happens when you fall asleep watching The Aristocrats). I was a scuba diving bellhop at a restaurant that was very similar to Venice (no aisles between tables, only streams). I would swim from table to table, bringing drinks and checking SCUBA equipment for patrons. Than I sat down at a table, and I was at a team dinner with Woodchuck…CHOMP!, and I was sitting next to Megan Randall, except it looked nothing like her (you know how you know things in dreams, even though there is no evidence to support that knowledge). Then I woke up.

11. When did you last laugh?
Can’t remember. It has been a while.

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
A big ass clock (about three feet across), and this:

13. Seen anything weird lately?
You mean besides the cowboy hat wearing nekid mannequin on my wall? No, not really.

14. What do you think of this quiz?
Meh.

15. What is the last film you saw?
The Aristocrats. Two thumbs way up (I’m not going to tell you up where, because you’ll just have to watch the movie and find out for yourself. That damn mime is hilarious.)

16. If you turned a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
First thing would probably be a bitchin’ camaro. Then a house, and then toys to put in the house.

17. Tell me something about you that I don’t know.
I’ve got a tattoo.

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt and politics, what would you do?
Make doorways taller the world over.

19. Do you like to Dance?
I don’t like to Dance, but I will dance every now and again, when the mood strikes me (mood=Jaeger shots).

20. George Bush.
Crack fiend.

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Dillon.

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what would you call him?
Creo.

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
If I could bring my dog with me, then definitely.

24. What would you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
I’m sorry, but this is all just a big joke. Sorry to mess around with you so much, but welcome to the party up here!

25. 4 people who must also do this theme in their journal.
Tall, Pooh, and Frankie. I’m going to save my fourth choice for a possible trade after the draft.

Originally posted at Tall Guy’s Blog.

Welcome to The Tall Quiz, or How to Tell if You Are Really a Tall Person. Please take a couple of minutes and think about your answers to the following questions, and then tally your score to find out how tall you really are.

The Quiz

1. Who hits their head more on low-hanging objects, someone who is over 6′4″ or someone who is under?

1. The tall person
2. The short person

2. If you are exactly 6′10 3/8″, how tall do you say that you are when asked?

1. Six foot, ten and three eighths inches.
2. 6′2″
3. Bigger than a breadbox
4. About 7-ish
5. It depends on what gas station I am entering or exiting at the time

3. After you tell someone how tall you are, the next question they ask is if you have ever played basketball. Your answer is:

1. What is this “basketball” that you speak of?
2. Yes (and then give them a detailed history)
3. No, it got in the way of my career as a jockey
4. I wanted a bigger challenge, so I took up miniature golfing instead

4. Who is taller, Mugsy Bogues (5′3″) or Spud Webb (5′7″)?

1. Spudd Webb, obviously
2. Mugsy Bogues plays so much taller despite his smaller stature
3. Who? or who?
4. Does it matter? They are both chihuahuas

5. When someone on the street that you have never seen before comes up to you and says: “Hey, you’re really tall”, your response is:

1. And you’re really smart
2. What!? Holy shit, that must have just happened overnight!
3. Well thank you. You’re quite…medium-sized, I would say. Extra-medium even
4. Ah shucks. Hey, if you ever want the first word on the weather, come talk to me

Ok, now that you have had time to think about your answers and write them down, it’s time for the answers. After this, you will be able to tell everyone you know what your personal Tall Quotient is…

Answers:
Question 1: despite the obvious theory that tall people will invariably find more things that are head height to them, and that they could possibly run into, the answer is the shorter person. Tall people learn very quickly that they are tall, and thus they are inevitably bound to find things to run their heads into. Let me rephrase that, tall people learn very quickly, or suffer from multiple concussions and are required to wear padded helmets everywhere they go. Tall people always have their “headar” on (thats ‘head radar’ for all the pormanteauly challenged people out there), because they don’t like hitting their head on the multitude of low-hanging objects (on a totally different subject, has anyone else noticed that most cities trim the trees along sidewalks to a constant height of 6′2″? So, if you are taller, you’re on your own). Shorter people don’t learn this at the early age necessary for it to become second nature, and are thus more likely to smack into things that hang down that low. If you chose answer A, you get 0 points. If you picked answer B, give yourself 2 points.

Question 2: I’ll let you in on a secret, this was a bit of a trick question. The only wrong answer is option A. A tall person never tells someone to the exact 1/8th of an inch how tall they are. More than likely, they don’t even know. After you reach six feet tall when you are still in middle school, you start to think of height in relative terms. Like bigger than a breadbox (it’s true, you are). Only when you are short do you strain for every little piece of the pie that you can reach, and the shorter you are the less pie you get. So if you answered A, give yourself -2. If you answered B, give yourself 5 points. If you picked E, give yourself 3 points because I like Ron White. If you chose C or D, you get 2 points.

Question 3: Sorry, but another trick question. Everyone who has ever been considered tall at some point in their life has heard this question: “So, have you ever played ball?” Or, if the person is old and trying to be hip: “Hey there sonny boy, do you ever hoop it up?” Honestly, this is the most ridiculous question to ask someone. Tall people don’t walk up to women who are more than normally endowed (ie, big breasted) and ask “How’s life at the strip club?” or “Man, I bet you get a lot of milk out of those puppies!” even though we may really want to ask those very questions. Just because someone is tall doesn’t necessarily mean that they are in any way physically competent enough to play basketball. So, if you answered B, sorry but you get another -2 points. If you answered A, give yourself 1 point for sidestepping the question, but a lack of creativity. If you answered C you get 3 points, and if you chose D you get 4 points (any time you can add “miniature” into a conversation about tall people, you get bonus points).

Question 4: Lo and behold! Yet another trick question. These are mostly tricks because it is easy to lie on the internet and say you are tall. This quiz could have consisted of one question (How tall are you?), but it’s too easy to lie to boost your fragile height-based ego when you are short. Anywho, if you are female and chose answer C, give yourself 1 bonus point for having a good sense of humor. If you are a guy and chose answer C, you get another -2 points. Even short guys should know and revere these two guys for having beat the NBA system, and having pretty good careers despite the obvious fact. If you picked A, you get 1 point. Because technically it is true, 5′7″ is taller than 5′3″. If you picked B or D, you get 2 points (I hope you are keeping track).

Question 5: The trickiest of the tricky questions, because it requires that you have read 6′2″ before now, specifically the beginnings of 6′2″. Basically, since all tall people run into this situation multiple times that they are out in public, they get tired of it. Honestly, it is a statement, so there is no response required. But obviously the person that walks up to you wants to start a conversation, otherwise they wouldn’t have said anything at all. So the taller the person, the more creative the responses are to this invasiveness (again, tall people don’t walk up to fat people and yell out things like “350! No wait, 375!” It’s just rude). If you answered B or D, give yourself 1 point for coming up with something (although not that creative. The “how’s the weather up there” is just about as old and tired as the “ever played ball” question). If you picked A, you get 2 points for the sheer pluck of it. And if you answered C, you get 4 points for not only the most creative (extra-medium is genius), but the bonus points of being a 6′2″ faithful.

Ok, tally up your score, and here are the results.

• 0 or below to 5: you are obviously well under 6 feet tall. More than likely, you are so short that you would have looked up to Napoleon.
• 6 to 10: your Tall Quotient is 6′1″ to 6′5″. You’re tall, but not that tall.
• 11 to 15: now we are getting somewhere. Your TQ is 6′6″ to 6′10″ (Hey, did you ever play any college ball?).
• 16 to 17: your TQ is 6′11″ and above (because the sky is the limit tall guy). Or, you have the option of saying that you are 6′2″ and proud of it.

Hopefully this answered some questions about how tall you really are.

Editor’s Note: I have a new one for when someone comes up to you and says, “Wow, you’re really tall.” My response (in perfect English with heavy midwest acdcent): “What? Oh! You mean ‘alto’. Sorry, I only speak Spanish.”

Editor’s Note #2: This past weekend at a local Golf Show (you haven’t lived until you’ve jacked a bucket full of range balls into the upper deck of a domed stadium) I had the following conversation with, yes, that’s right….a certain Ms. Minnesota (didn’t catch her first name).
Her: “Wow, you’re really tall.”
Me (thinking): (”Crap. She’s hot. AND Ms. Minnesota. Should I try any of my usual smart ass lines? Will she even get them? She’s hot.”)
Me: “Thank you very much! I’ll take that as a compliment.”
Me: “You’re very medium.”
(long pause)
Her (with confused look): “Hunh?”
Her (same confused look, or worse): “What do you mean?”

You win some, you lose some.

Other editor’s note: Kaiser might remember this story the too, in which case he can back me up. On our way from Boulder, CO to Northfield, MN after college nationals (frisbee), I was in the back of the plane with Josh and my then gf. Now I’m 6′4″-ish, and he’s 6′10-ish, giving us a combined 13 and 1/2 ish feet of person in two seats. Right in front of us was the exit row, and about 5′8″ of whiny, must-be-a-trust-fund-child, PMS-ing, annoying man who couldn’t stop complaining about the lack of leg room the whole flight long.

In. The. Exit. Row.

Finally, at the end of the flight, when he stood up (hardly even having to bend his neck to fit under the overhead compartment), he noticed me bent over at the waist to stand up behind him. The kicker, and the thing that really shut him up, was him then looking next to me to see Kaiser in the fetal position in the seat. Yes, with his feet on the ground, and yes, with his knees up by his nose. The look on his face was pretty priceless.

Top 10 New Dirty Sounding Words:

• Fatuous - complacently or inanely foolish.
• Impuissance - weakness, powerlessness.
• Dinghy - small rubber raft.
• Cleveland - a city in Ohio.
• Rectify - to set right, remedy.
• Essence - the permanent as contrasted with the accidental element of being.
• Taint - to contaminate morally.
• Succulent - moist and tasty.
• Meme - an idea, behavior, style, or usage that spreads from person to person.
• Slurp - to make a sucking noise.

I started thinking about what the best possible ending to a story could be. And then I started thinking about what the most humorous ending to a story would be. This list is a combination of those two trains of thought:

• So then I jumped up on stage and started making out with her (an actual story ender I heard from one guy, multiple times).
• Thank God the cops didn’t look inside the dumpster, or I’d have been fucked.
• And then the stripper said to me…
• And then the pimp said to me…
• But as soon as we got back over the border, we were alright.
• So there I was. I had put my balls in first, and now I didn’t know what to do next.
• When I opened the door, Ed McMahon was standing there with a big-ass check and a camera crew.

Top 10 Punchlines to Dirty Scottish Jokes

• 10. It took me a fortnight to get out all the thistles
• 9. I didn’t know you could also get wool from them!
• 8. It’s not a bagpipe, but don’t stop playing
• 7. What made you think I was talking about golf?
• 6. I’ve heard of comin’ through the rye - but this is ridiculous!
• 5. Of course she’s served millions - she’s a McDonald
• 4. Oh, so *you’re* Wade Boggs
• 3. Care to shake hands with the Loch Ness monster?
• 2. Who’s burning argyles?
• 1. She’s in the distillery making Johnnie Walker Red

I wish that I could take credit for that one, but I got it here. Enjoy.